When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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