You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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