I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
