In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
