update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
