I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
