I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
