I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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