He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
