i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
