Operation Purity has been aborted
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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