Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize