Me. At least after what I've been through.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
