Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
