Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
