Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
