when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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