I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
pray to the hookup gods
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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