What a fucking waste of an outfit
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize