can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
