I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Holy sore nipples Batman
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
