can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
