haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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