I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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