I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
