I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He shit in the fireplace
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
