I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
