sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
