ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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