My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize