At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
