pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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