Say something about gay babies.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize