I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
