Please, let me fuck your mom
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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