when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
