My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
