im six kinds of drunk right now
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
