I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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