I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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