i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
