I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
