My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
They have beer where we have blood.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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