the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
there's paper in my vomit.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize