I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
