I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
