Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
