New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
