I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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