i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
