i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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