i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
