So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
