Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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