even my farts smell like vagina
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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