if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
