$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
