You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
