I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I did not marry a roomba.
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