When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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