She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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