Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
